An Inquisition..of sorts..
Well, I am on a roll, one blog post a year! go me. No honestly, I need to get better at this no doubt. 2010 was a year full of emotions, and I am looking forward to letting 2011 be the year that I finally let loose a little and have some fun. I have absolutely no idea when I became so unbearably uptight, all I know is that I am, and I hate it. Maybe its because I am constantly being let down. Its only January and I have been let down at least 5 times this week, that is so sad! I also think part of my emotions has to do with how lonely I am. I love my parents, dont get me wrong, but...I think its time I hang out with someone my own age, or someone who is not my parents lol
But what has REALLY been eating at my mind is, what is so wrong with someone loving me? Rather, what is wrong with me to the point that people run from me, mostly men not gonna lie. I have no idea what I do, done, did, or what ever, but I honestly feel like that as soon as I think I am on to someone, they let me down, and I end up being the one putting all of the effort into it. I promise I am not intentionally trying to dominate if thats what it is. I honestly want to be treated with respect and love. But I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the woman who has a man who sends her flowers,or the woman who has a man who wants to do things for her, or the woman who has a man she can talk to and joke around with. Instead, I am gonna be the woman who has a man who doesnt want to work or comb his hair, who expects me to do it all, and still want to have control over my life. I know I dont deserve that, but with the way things are going, I am starting to believe that its my only option. I dont want to settle, but when i put up the fight, I am the one who always gets hurt.
I cant help who I am, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I put others before me. and I love you no matter what. I am also the pathetic girl who prays for love every single night, and every single morning like its a bad habit. I know I have love from my family and friends, and that is love I truly cherish. But right now, its not the love that I yearn for..(dont get me wrong I always want love from my friends and family). But I want to be in love with someone.
As I try to figure out what I want in life, thats the only thing I can come up with. I have so much love in me im about to bust! But instead all i can do is fill my head with fantasies of the "someday" love that may not ever happen...
I really hate being lonely, esp. in this foreign place. This is the worst time of my life. And all I can do is deal with it. I would like to find out who I am again. But the only answer I can get is, "you just have to deal with it." I am tired, and unhappy, and I cant do anything about it? That just seems impossible to me, but I just dont know where to turn. I pray every single night, and I get no answers and my patience is wearing thin. I just dont know what to do...except wipe the tears from my eyes and put a smile on my face for my clients...
-B
But what has REALLY been eating at my mind is, what is so wrong with someone loving me? Rather, what is wrong with me to the point that people run from me, mostly men not gonna lie. I have no idea what I do, done, did, or what ever, but I honestly feel like that as soon as I think I am on to someone, they let me down, and I end up being the one putting all of the effort into it. I promise I am not intentionally trying to dominate if thats what it is. I honestly want to be treated with respect and love. But I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the woman who has a man who sends her flowers,or the woman who has a man who wants to do things for her, or the woman who has a man she can talk to and joke around with. Instead, I am gonna be the woman who has a man who doesnt want to work or comb his hair, who expects me to do it all, and still want to have control over my life. I know I dont deserve that, but with the way things are going, I am starting to believe that its my only option. I dont want to settle, but when i put up the fight, I am the one who always gets hurt.
I cant help who I am, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I put others before me. and I love you no matter what. I am also the pathetic girl who prays for love every single night, and every single morning like its a bad habit. I know I have love from my family and friends, and that is love I truly cherish. But right now, its not the love that I yearn for..(dont get me wrong I always want love from my friends and family). But I want to be in love with someone.
As I try to figure out what I want in life, thats the only thing I can come up with. I have so much love in me im about to bust! But instead all i can do is fill my head with fantasies of the "someday" love that may not ever happen...
I really hate being lonely, esp. in this foreign place. This is the worst time of my life. And all I can do is deal with it. I would like to find out who I am again. But the only answer I can get is, "you just have to deal with it." I am tired, and unhappy, and I cant do anything about it? That just seems impossible to me, but I just dont know where to turn. I pray every single night, and I get no answers and my patience is wearing thin. I just dont know what to do...except wipe the tears from my eyes and put a smile on my face for my clients...
-B
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